Early Bed Time

Teardrop - Massive Attack
As I lie in my bed trying to get the urge to fall asleep, I just keep thinking about what would make me really happy right this second. Right in this moment. And right now, that thing is a cure. I want to be free from this cage that I've been trapped in, I want to feel my confidence bustling and my energy rushing again. After being sick for 3+ months, it's really hard to remember what it's like going up stairs without getting slightly winded. It's hard to remember how I used to act when I did have energy. It's hard to even remember if I ever actually had energy in the first place...
I don't mean to seem down again. I just want to put things in perspective for myself - my first semester of college I've been ridden with health issues which has stopped me from socializing to the extent that I'd like to. I mean, in the long run it's not too big of a deal, I'll have more time to do it. But it's just rough with all the excitement from the summer leading up for college then getting here and starting off with pinkeye, which led directly to my lyme/hypoglycemia/whateverthefuckthisbullshitis issue. Basically right when I got here my confidence took a big ass whopping (Nobody wants to get pinkeye from someone they don't know). The main things that have been on my mind have been the downers in my life, so of course I'd take that luggage into most of the conversations I entered.
So, I just want an answer. I just want to find out why my body hasn't been functioning at it's top level. It affects my mood. It affects what I do and what I don't do. For fucks sake it cost me being on the Frisbee team. I'd tell everybody about how chill the guys were and how excited I was for the spring break trip to Georgia. So now, I have to find new plans for spring break AND a new activity to do. Fun fun. Maybe this will teach me a lesson, don't plan too far ahead in the future, you never know where it might take you, and just go with whatever happens.
So as bad as it feels now, I do know that I'm going to be a better person from this... Somehow. Every significant thing in my life has taught me something. For example:
Alex: This guy really started to mold me into a more thoughtful philosophical person. We'd go driving around and just talk about life and things and have fun. Splitting a little Caesars pizza with him was always so fun. Somehow it'd spark good conversation. I remember, though, he'd drive me home from theatre practice all the time, and a few times we'd talk about the energies of people, and how certain energies communicate. This still sticks with me today, and fits in with my whole binary theory, and the energies he described are only on one plane of existence.
Kenz: Brings out the best in me, always finds a way to bring out who I feel I really am. When we dated, whether she knew it or not, she actually brought out a new side of me that made me realize I'm a like able person. Before her I never thought anyone would want to date me, but our vibes changed that. Also, this chick makes me laugh more than anyone, I have no idea how she does it. Maybe it's how our energies communicate, or just that we became friends in a really unique way and we're comfortable around each other. Either one can explain it.
Mel: Showed me the power of being in love. Against all odds hold true to what YOU believe in, make sure you know where you want to go in life and what you love. She also taught me how to fight authority in a way, to be strong right in the face of danger. Girl, you are the strongest human being I know, I honestly don't know how you survived everything we went through. I miss your personality, by the way...
Ryan: Best friend a guy could ask for. Always there for me, any time, always ready to talk about my girl issues, or the good things about girls. And also, he's been friends with both of the girls I've dated, which just creates a really comfortable environment for everyone. By the way, whoever marries this man will be the luckiest damn female in the world. Hessie is a gentleman down to his soul, and always (Unbeknownst to him) drives me to become a better person.
Bryan: My brother. I care about him a lot. I feel like I influence him to become a better person, I almost feel like at times I'm the only person that can get through his hard outer shell into his softer, more relaxed, creative side. Once I get through, I can see he is exactly like me. He thinks like me, analyzes situations like me, gets anxiety attacks like me. He's also smart as hell, honestly he's smarter than me, he just needs to learn how to use it in order for him to reach his full potential. That's where I come in. I really enjoy talking to him, especially about deeper things, deep talks about the future and where he'll be and what he'll be doing. I really want him to do computer science, he was made to do it. He's got so much potential.
Mom: She's always been there for me, the highs and lows. Always in control, always knowledgeable. Whenever I need help I can just talk to her and she knows what to do. She helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. Where I couldn't stand she took my place and helped me out, teaching me the way. She's also just the right amount hands off since she TRUSTS me. As a parent, trust is the strongest thing you can give, second only to love. Thank you...
There's more people to write about. I just can't do it right now. Thanks for reading this post, mystery people.