What you're reading is RAW

To all my readers out there, I'm letting you know that all my posts are a single stream of thought, bouncing from one topic to the next. This might make some of my writing confusing, but it also makes my writing more honest. Also, I rarely go over and review what I'm posting, so everything you read is first draft material.
I learned in English about first drafts and how you're supposed to just write and get all your thoughts down, but I never really applied it to my blog. Looking back, I now wonder why I wasn't inspired to start blogging again. It gets my raw ideas onto the page and gives me time to think to myself. Also, the fact that others can see it and possibly enjoy my work makes me want to start another blog, but have it take a different perspective. This one is my unprofessional, personal blog with a mission of keeping me sane. Basically this blog is geared towards close friends who like me enough to keep tabs on my life, people who want to find out how insane and/or confusing I really am, or people who like to read minds. Because if you read this, you're kinda reading my mind - and I'm okay with that.

Free Write

Its been quite the summer so far. Living on my own being away from my home friends is a challenge. I miss the people here daily because I have such a great time with them and a good past to reflect on. We always have a good time together, even if we're hanging out and talking. This is because I get really good comfortable energy from these people. We all enjoy our presence so much that we don't want to leave, we want our times to continue together.

It sucks being away from your most favorite people on the planet, but I know I have to find more close friends. I have close friends, and i love them, but something seems to stop me from being 100 percent for my new friends. I can enjoy myself a to a certain point, but then something kicks in and I'm down for the count. I get quiet, I get reserved, and worst of all I get stuck in my head. Every time I'm back home I try to think of what I say and do and feel in the moment talking with friends. What I'm starting to realize is that I just don't feel stress.

I've overcome stress and anxiety before. It really just comes in waves. I just have to consciously make myself jump back into the moment. No more thinking. Just respond.
This is why I need improv. I need to get my skills back again. I need to feel comfortable with putting myself out there in a completely new place. I thought I'd be fully adjusted and ready for this new environment by the end of freshman year, but I feel like I still have learning to do. I also feel like I have lots of responsibilities now, and that doesn't help much.
I guess I want to find my passion. I want to find something that excites me and gets me out of bed, looking forward to the day ahead. I need positivity, security and safety before I can really open up. I forget how I did it in high school. I remember it being a really big change for me that started with improv and continued through my first relationship. I guess in the meantime I'll keep my head up and look forward to finding my place at college. Maybe I'll find someone who will make me happy soon. I just need to figure out a few things, such as what exactly I want from a relationship. Maybe I'll do see writing on my flight.

Oh yeah, my flight. 
I can't believe I'm leaving for Florida in 4 hours. My cruise ship sets sail Monday, and I'll begin experiencing something not many other people have the opportunity to experience. I'm excited. I need to stay that way, because I'm going to be talking to and meeting a ton of people. Let's hope my memory can sustain this.

Oh man I smell pancakes. I'm definitely home right now. It reminds me of vacation weekends some time ago. I really want to ask for a week off before school starts up to say my big goodbyes to my friends.

Gah growing up is hard. I liked things more when everything was easy and change came slowly.

Float on with good vibes

If you go at life with an attitude of "it'll all work out" a lot of things become easier. The first thing I noticed is that things end up just working out for the best no matter what. Somehow, for me, if I leave flexibility for change things work out. Especially without over thinking . Most of the time when I stress out about something I get over obsessive about it, over think it, and generally end up with no conclusion. Now I try to think of things as they arise, stay current, and stay aware. Because if you make every moment it's best, then there won't be a bad one.
I've also started a new habit of saying "yes" to things much more often, no matter what the situation. If I can take the current mood and feel of the moment and make it better by "yes, and-ing" I'll have then improved my life and someone else's. The way this system is related to the prior system is because if I keep saying yes things balance out.
For example, let's say I'm with friends, just hanging out, and i get asked to go somewhere else. I say yes to that. As I tell my friends I'm heading out, they say stay for a little bit more. So, change of plans I say yes to that, stay, and then move on to my other plans.
That's just one simple example, but it's made my plans' timing work out perfectly, just about every single time.

So, after testing out this new strategy of staying in the moment, along with the added incentive to say yes to things, I've been feeling my mood get better. I think about more positive thoughts, say more positive things, and give off a more positive vibe. It's all related, and this is another one of my new life enlightenments.

Programming is Amazing.

     This isn't what I intended on posting next, but I'm just going to jot down some ideas in between programming, because it's just so cool.

       Everything has to be flawless because then the code can be reused and actually readily available. If a program can do what it's name says it should be able to do, you'd think anyone can use it, right? Since they -

Damnit. Roomate walked in with his program and now I lost my train of thought.

       To me, sharing really is the way to go. Humans know how to do it, let's do it more often. That's what Open Source software accomplishes. Anyone can go ahead and use it, it's free. 

        Open-source software (OSS) is computer software with its source code made available and licensed with an open-source license in which the copyright holder provides the rights to study, change and distribute the software for free to anyone and for any purpose. Open-source software is very often developed in a public, collaborative manner. Open-source software is the most prominent example of open-source development and often compared to (technically defined) user-generated content or (legally defined) open-content movements.

        A report by the Standish Group (from 2008) states that adoption of open-source software models has resulted in savings of about $60 billion per year to consumers

For more information, click here.

Crazy, right? People working collaboratively even though they don't know each other nor directly benefit by helping? What has this world COME to?

It's called making a better future. Research. Development. Technology. That's where it's at people, not making a quick buck. In the long run, being personally prosperous is so selfish. Create and make things because they help people become happier. Not only does it help others, it also helps yourself since you invented the damn thing. So now you're happier because you have this thing that helps with a stress of yours, of saves you time in your day, so that you can now develop more things faster. Does that sound like exponential growth - or rather, Moore's Law to you?

Right now, we need to work on transfer speeds, and the rate of finding data. Solid State Drives (SSDs) are the future, people. If we can get SSDs cheap, we can transfer information at faster speeds. Add into the mix efficient Remote Direct Memory Access (RDMA) and we have ourselves picking up the slack on the processing power for transferring data. Now start thinking about the speed of light. Kinda really fast, right? Yeah, now put that speed into a goddamn cable. We call that Fiber Optics.

Why haven't we combined all of this yet?

(Hint, it's green, has a unique scent to it, and is all over the news.)

You guessed it, MONEY!

All of that stuff costs a lot of it! And guess what? In our society we've made the saying "Money makes the world go 'round" absolutely true. Good ol' society. Letting certain people have what they want just because they decided money was a good thing. I'm not arguing that it's bad, but dealing with money could be thought of differently, and if people took a different attitude towards money, maybe then we could collaborate and come together for science. 

Food for thought:

Now apply all of this to organic materials. This is known as Organic Computing.

I should make this into a TED talk, or something of the sort. If anyone honestly agrees with me, post here.

Quality Over Quantity

I have an insane blog post I'm working on, be patient people and I'll have a nice, understandable product that can hopefully blow your mind.
In the meantime, listen to the album Kinetic by Phutureprimitive. I just listened to it on my speakers today and it was awesome.

Really Advertisements?

Okay, Spotify. We have an issue.

I just heard an ad for mac and cheese bowls that are microwavable.
But the way they advertised it was in such a way that they assumed they knew my life.
The ad went something like this
"It's after seven and you're still at work listening to spotify? Looks like you're going to miss dinner with the 'fam! Try our product, it's microwavable, and easy to make! This product is made for nights just like this."
The point I'm trying to make here is that this ad assumed I was A. At work at 8 o clock, somewhere which, I don't really want to think about being at the moment, B. Assumed I was a father and had a family of mouths to feed. C. It assumed I'd eat mac and cheese and let my kids eat it. Or even me, for that matter.
The target audience is wrong.
I don't know, maybe some adults just love listening to dubstep, dnb, trance, dance, electronic, you name it.
But still, maybe your target audience shouldn't be frequent music listeners, I don't know.
Or at least make sure I listen to the Beatles or something before assuming I have a family.
Advertise to me better please.
Thanks.

Bittersweet

Sometimes I feel this is the case for me, but in the end the nice guy finishes last. Looking back at the ladies I've dated, I'm proud to have been with them. Relationships are about quality, not quantity. For those who think otherwise... well, you'll figure it out eventually.

Repeat after me,

"Organization will set you free"
- Mr. Bossman

A Life of New Friends

For some poeple when it comes to college things dont change much. They stay close to home, make frequent visits back, and see the people that they're familiar and comfortable with. For others, things change drastically.
When my best friend (at the time) went to college, I thought we'd stay in touch. It never happened. He always managed to be too busy or too caught up in his own thing, never enough time to just keep me up to date with his life. At first, it sucked getting used to that. But, as time went on I just developed closer friendships with the people around me, and eventually our friendship, with some of our memories, faded away. Long gone were the drives in the car for pizza, gone too were the long talks about life and friends. It all went away. I remember promising myself that I wouldn't do this to my best friend, that college couldn't change much because once a friend always a friend to me. I'd been pretty successful up until this point...

The friendship I was trying to preserve was the most colorful friendship anyone could ask for. It had ups and downs, fun and boredom, happy and sad, but most importantly it had memories. It's hard think that our friendship won't be like the memories anymore. We won't get to explore our personalities anymore, we won't be up to date with each other, we won't be as comfortable with each other, and we might not be able to act like kids around each other much longer. It's hard to realize that it's time to let go of those times and come to terms that, hey, what we experienced was good for what time we had, but someone else has to step in. Someone else has to take her spot. Someone else. New memories, new personality, new friendship, new everything.

Now it's time to move on to my new life. High school is over - as dearly as I loved my friends there, none of it is the same. I won't be there often enough to hold close, meaningful friendships, only casual catching up and talking. And this is definitely different than those friends you see daily.

I've realized my focus should be on my college friends. I've been expanding my friend group to the best of my ability, but building friendships is weird in college. It's different, and I don't know if I've got the hang of it yet. But hey, it's only freshman year and I've had some big obstacles to overcome, and I still do. Namely my surgery tomorrow. I'm hoping this is the last test, I think I'm just about ready for anything now.

So maybe this is a downer post, but it's more of a realization for me, a realization that I can't stay attached to the past, no matter how wonderful it may be to go back. It's about going forward, and having your past to help you grow and overcome. And it's good, because I'm pumped for this summer. Maybe it's time for new people, it should be refreshing, not hard like I'm making it out to be.

*side note*
I guess this is my homesick post, I just never admitted that I was homesick. Well, more so "friend sick."

Closing remark:
Friends of the past, I appreciate and love you all for shaping me to where I am today. I couldn't have asked for better friends to have spent my days with.
Friends of the future, I'm excited to meet you (or get to know you better if we've already met). I'm excited to see where we go in our times together, however long our friendship may be. And I'll let you all know, from this point forward I'm going to try and be the best friend I can possibly be. And maybe, just maybe one day you'll do the same for all of your friends. Whether or not I'm one of them at the time doesn't matter - so long as it happens.

Thanks for the read.
Below are some shout outs:
I loved:
5
Long talks
Opening up
Meaningful moments
Crying with you all
Acting young and free
Being rebellious
Sticking it to a religion
Fighting for what we wanted, not what was expected
Being your neighbor
My first time (and the music)
Sharing music
Curtains
TCWOWSA
And many other memories... They'll be with me forever.

Filler

Right now I just feel like writing about something, since I'm lying in bed, still processing all that shitty caffeine that I drank today, just waiting for my melatonin to kick in. Anyways, here goes a free write.

My brother visited me this weekend, and it was bittersweet. He had an okay time at Tiesto, since he wasn't a fan of dancing, and airsoft got cancelled. But I got my goals done - I got him to try some new things, and I showed him how crazy college can be.
For example:
On my way to Tiesto, me and my bro got on the bus. Right after stepping on, some girl pinched my ass. At first instinct I was pissed, since my friend pinched my ass earlier and the day and I kicked him for it, but when I realized it wasn't him, I was kind of intrigued. For some reason I'm kinda cool with people touching me. Weird, right?
Then, the next day when walking back from trying to get into a fraternity, some crazy drunk chick was screaming out the sixth floor window of one of the dorms on campus to a group of people. My bro and I were just innocently walking by, when the girl yelled "Hey you, with the orange hat!" Which, first off, I was wearing a black hat, then she switched it to "You with the orange shirt!" At which point, I asked back, "Are you talking to me? I'm wearing a red shirt..." She then screamed back "Come up here, we're D T F!!!" Well I was completely taken aback by that, and I forget what my response was but I decided to just walk away. Then she yelled something about screwing someone's boyfriend. I'm not really sure what the hell she was thinking through this whole ordeal. Too many dr0gz, I guess.

Other than those two fleeting moments with random females, I had pretty terrible luck on the whole female department. One friend basically came over only to chill with my friend, another hit me up and kind of ignored me, and another is just slowly distancing herself. But the last one makes sense, she's physically distant, so I can understand that.

Well, it's back to another week filled with school work, work work, and pledge class. I'm pretty excited for the whole pledging process - we get to run charity events and social events, it'll be a good chance for me to get back into photography and meet new people. I still need to meet like-minded people. I tend to think of myself as being pretty different than most people on campus. Or weird, either adjective correctly describes me to an outsider, I'd say.

** Subject Change **

I've been recognized a few times lately from my performance in theatre class. It's pretty cool being known for something. Maybe I'll do something else that I'll get well known for, who knows what the coming months will hold. Things change quite quickly up here. Friends come and go, people make an impact on your life then leave, others surprisingly stay, and how people think of you change. I look forward to seeing where I am in 3 weeks, it'll be completely different from where I am now.

Finally, a Step to End the War on Drugs

All information and quotes from:

New Hampshire to Hold Marijuana Legalization Hearings at the State House on Thursday

       A friend showed me this article. I couldn't believe that finally they're working towards a reform on marijuana laws. It only makes sense, why not just tax the users instead of taking up jail space, stealing their money, and treating them like criminals? It saves so many people time, money, and space. Thanks, NH.

I bet that  HB 621 or HB 492 will pass.

Reasons why I think (and want) 492 will pass:

in HB 492:

"In the interest of the efficient use of law enforcement resources, enhancing revenue for public purposes, and individual freedom, the people of the state of New Hampshire find and declare that the use of marijuana should be legal for persons 21 years of age or older and taxed in a manner similar to alcohol."

This statement is amazing, it mentions so many crucial points that I've argued. Law enforcement, revenue, freedom - boom boom boom. This is a recipe for success and getting more states to follow suit.

An aside, though:

(d) Legitimate, taxpaying business people, and not criminal actors, will conduct sales of marijuana...

Um, excuse me? "criminal actors"? This is under the current law, the government made them into "criminal actors" just because of the law. Come on, let's be real.

Reasons why I think (and would prefer) 621 to pass:

in HB 621:

"Any person under 18 years of age who is in possession of less than one ounce of marijuana... shall be guilty of a violation and subject to a fine not to exceed $100 and forfeiture of the marijuana. The offender’s parents or legal guardians shall be notified of the offense. The court may order the offender to complete an approved drug awareness program..."

This is an interesting way to look at it, < 18, forfeit, fine, warning. Then possible drug rehab. I actually very much agree because being younger than 16 and smoking is too early - very much like cigarettes. Although I don't understand why/how 16 year-olds can get cigarettes, but that's just how things are. So basically, be smart kids. Be patient, your time will come.

So this makes me question what the bill is really saying:

"The Judicial Branch states this bill will provide that possession of less than one ounce of marijuana for personal use would be punishable as a violation not a class A misdemeanor, provides for a fine not to exceed $100 for an offender 18 years of age or older in possession of less than one ounce of marijuana"

I thought this was the legal part? I thought if person A is 18 and has < 1 oz of marijuana  it's okay and legal. I guess this contradicts that...? 

I don't like politics...

But this is cool.

Pce out.

I'm gonna do it. Place bets.

I'm going to do something out of character.
But it's kind of in character, since it's taking care of myself and doing what's technically healthiest for my self preservation.

I'm going to eat like a forager.
I'm going to eat nuts for protein,
Leaves for their nutrition,
Fruits for their sweets,
Salmon for the Fats,
And cliff bars for Calories.

I kind of transitioned into a poem right there.
Bat that means it's right...
And the vision is in sight,
How now, I'm a poet?
Yay, thats right!, you know it!

I don't know why I did that twice, thumb up if you like it, and maybe I'll do it again. Otherwise if people hate it I'll stop forever.

Anyways, I'm going to do it. I bet everybody in the world that I will. I will eat as healthy as humanly possible. But I'm going to add in yogurt/frozen yogurt to the mix. It's still yogurt! It's good!

Basically my diet plan:
I'm not limiting myself as to what I eat, I'm only changing my day to day plans.
On special occasions, I'm eating whatever the hell I want. Almost always chicken, so no, I'm not a vegetarian.
I'll stop snacking on greasy things, I got crazy acne today and I've had it with that bull crap.
I'm also taking a multivitamin and eating protein bars after I hit the gym, which that time will be added to my schedule.

It's time to improve myself, We got this, body. Work out every other day (or every, if there's down time at the dorm) and let's get ready for the sickest summer ever by looking like a boss.

Then I can get my Tattoo.

When I visit, I'm getting a top notch picture of this.

You should keep this in a portfolio, along with all your other art - Trust me.

Love you, Bro. Keep working hard, you've got it in you.
Anyways, time for ME to do some work. Reading books is hard to find the time to do, but I'll enjoy lying in bed getting comfy. I need a body pillow...

Each Individual Light Has It's Journey.

Lights

Pryda - Leja

Leja, such a nice word to say, too.

My Fiber Optic Light, Open For All (OFA)

So, I have followers I guess?

I just need to mention that I had 24 posts and 1218 posts and I found how many followers I (theoretically) have. 50.75, Yes, I used a calculator. No I won't do it in my head. But it just makes me come to think about... just who is following me? I didn't know that many people (about) cared about what I had to say. It's like these people want to know what goes on in my head and the things I think about. They're getting to know me BETTER than me. I mean, I remember these things but I never TALK to people about them. I try but they all just awkwardly stare around and pretend they didn't know my blog existed. I'm not sure what to think about it, I just ignore it and not give a damn (That's the right way to be, right?) and move on in the conversation.
I dunno, maybe I just want people to contact me if you're following the blog and why! I also want to know what people like / don't like. So, however it is appropriate, just send me a little message. It'd be actually really cool if you did that.
Oh so no school past 12:00 tomorrow. That's so nice, but I only miss one class, but -
...What?


Oh,
Right... I should shut up now...






*sigh*

sorry...

And We Danced

So I finally actually danced with lady folk this weekend.
I don't know why I've never done it before, maybe it's just because I've never really been a big fan of dancing in general, and I never built the confidence to do it, yet I'm fine with embarrassing myself in public. Who knows why I'm like that. Well anyways, I just want to get down some thoughts.
1st thought - Why go to a party when you're in a relationship and just not dance with people? I bring this up because how boring is it to go out and just... not let loose?
Hear me out - it's good to be in a relationship. It's healthy, it's fun, it's consistent, and (supposed to be) stress-free. Relationships are supposed to make your life better and happier in almost every aspect. But some people take this as a loss of freedom. It isn't. Everyone sees relationships as this huuggeee commitment that has to be just like everyone else's relationships. *Yawn* Boooorrrinnngg. Why not try a more casual relationship that's more fun? I'm thinking about something along the lines of no sleeping with anyone else, but dancing is cool, and flirting is still fine. I mean, this requires a lot of trust, but still. Live a little, we're still young. And anyways, communication is good. If the other person in the relationship is really starting to get feelings for the other, talk it out. Don't make it a game, that just causes drama. Just be open about everything, relax, and go through the roller coaster that is life.
2nd thought - I've realized it's really easy to be ballsy. My best tip of advice, just DO it. If you don't, you're losing another opportunity to be lucky.
I went to a dance with a girl who I thought was cute, I met her earlier this week. We danced a few times, but at one point I was pretty proud of myself, yet it was kinda douchey. Basically in the middle of her dancing with some other dude, I went over to her pretending I had to tell her something. Then I went around the corner and we danced. On a normal day I'd never think of doing that, I'm not sure what came to my mind.
3rd thought - People, going out is NOT about getting absolutely hammered.
Sure the thought of being completely ridiculous sounds cool and all and forgetting what dumb things you did has an excitement behind it, but at what cost? Why not just go out feeling loosey goosey, but still coherent. The night will be just as fun, I promise. Also, it's a LOT better for your health to not guzzle down loads of "dat special drank."

Also, this weekend has made me find such a bigger appreciation for music. Especially with my new speaker setup, which left me just about absolutely broke in the bank. Like, 9 dollars away from getting extra charges. I guess I'm just a lucky guy...

"Been a while, old friend..."

There are certain things close to us in life that we enjoy holding close. And I feel I'm almost onto the reason why, the bare essence of our hobbies that we have and the things we do for fun and everything we have for entertainment boils down to a - very much but very much NOT so - an intimate relationship that we carry with us forever. So, when we don't have any physical friends around, we go to these inanimate friends, and take solace in them.
Now get this - if friendship is so important to us to assign deep down inhuman, but very much just as real, friendships to objects and the world around them, could this explain why children create invisible friends? Could that deep down feeling of friendship being created in one's own mind be so focused on an actual REAL BEING that they just get the feeling from their brain that someone else is WITH them. Think about kids and dolls. It's no different, except the doll is actually... physically there.

-Afterthought: 

Maybe that voice in your mind is your friend, and when the kids talk to the imaginary friend they're really talking to their mind's voice? And maybe that's because the brain isn't wired correctly yet and has to adjust.

There's always this feeling for me when people are in the room, friends give me a calmer, more comfortable feeling. Strangers get blank space, completely ignored until I make eye contact with them, then analyzed for the situation, and enemies/people I dislike get another one that almost pushes me away from them. Also, I  get a feeling that I need to be physically closer to a woman who I want to actually get closer with.

;)

Also, this sparks me to wonder - is creativity your friend? Is creativity an alternate personality that just didn't end up winning? Because I know my mind's voice has a personality... And that personality can, at times, be an actor. Which means he plays different characters because, not only is he an actor, he's an improviser  So it's kinda more spontaneous. So my mind's voice is actually kinda like me. But only I can talk to it. Only I can share secrets with it, and think about those secret things that only I think of. Which includes memories, because you can't get someone else to own a memory that only you own.

Well, blogger, nice talking with you buddy. It's nice to know that I can talk to you and share it with other people. It's like, you're a part of our conversations, but nobody ever even really meets you like I do.