I've been... Ill lately

There's been a severe lack of consistency on this blog and I apologize for it. I've been exhausted and fatigued lately, and I have been trying to get to the bottom of it. As with being tired, I find it usually rough to be creative and actually get the initiative to write about something. But, I'm at work right now so I've got nearly two full hours of free time to get some things down on paper.

First off - I had a great day yesterday. Man, it was amazing. Reminiscing can bring back memories, and whether or not they were good in the first place, they always come back positively. If they're bad, you can grow from it. If they're good, you can relive the experience all over again. So that was a thing.

Second - I barely wanted to go to sleep after such a good day. I just wanted to prolong my good mood, and I mean it could have carried over had I not woken up at 5:40 today, then started to google all these shitty symptoms I've been having lately.

Third - It's time to change my perspective on things. I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive and stay in the moment enjoying things. Sometimes good things don't last forever so I have to cherish every moment of something amazing. Then, once it's gone, I can relive the memory from time to time.

I don't know what I'm saying. I cant focus enough to get a complete thought out.

Basically to sum it up:
Things are good and things are bad right now. And that bad thing will hopefully be gone soon. And then things will be good. But then probably other bad things will take it's place.
Good = 1, Bad = 0

Very relevant and much needed - Symbolism

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ERbvKrH-GC4

It's crazy how I feel like I've learned so much about myself in the past few days. I feel a lot more secure, and safe and happy. Maybe this is just my transitional phase of getting used to college. I guess I just needed some sort of catalyst to get my brain working the way it's supposed to work here. I need to remember to not look to the end of the bus ride, but to the time spent on the bus. If you don't really get what I'm saying, it has to do with a field trip I went on today, hence this tweet:

Nathan Landolt ‏@thenate113

I'm the kid who likes field trips for the bus ride. #itsthejourney

And what's interesting is I thought of this before I found the video. I mean, it's just a cool connection to make in life where something is strangely, symbolically significant to you. It's really cool looking for symbolism. Whether it be in a song you just heard and relating it to yourself (see a few posts back) or just analyzing a situation and realizing it has a bigger, more significant meaning in life. Another example is this picture that I took:

How I analyzed this:

The child on the right is the curious one, exploring the white balloon and putting herself out there, willing to take the risk just to experience the world and see more. The child on the left is hiding from what is out there, she refuses to leave her safe zone because she's afraid. She's afraid of what COULD hurt her, but the child on the right has decided that the risk is worth the reward. Obviously we should all strive to be like the child on the right, else we would get nowhere in life.

Let me leave you with this: Find the deeper meaning in life however you choose to do so. Whether it be faith or religion or science or philosophy - it's your choice. Just don't let anyone else influence you - you're on your own.

The future is hazy

The future is a strange concept to me. The way I think of the future is how I think I will end up in x amount of years. This of course is just a guess, a figment of my imagination and at times it can bind me down. At times this imagination can get me down, make me sad and change my mood. But at other times this image is full of excitement and hope and makes me adore life and find beauty in everything. For these times I have my camera, so I can get out there and show others that hey, it's beautiful in this world, and things are only as good or as bad as you make them out to be. And might I suggest sharing your love for your passions to everyone, because who knows who you can inspire. I know I've been inspired today.

----------

The reason I talk about this is I've been thinking about the future the wrong way lately. There's a guy in my computer science class who is just so excited for the future, excited to get his hands on technology and actually do something productive in his life, that's his goal. That's where he finds happiness, and the best part about his happiness is he can control it, to a fairly high degree. He can control how successful he will be in the future. Maybe he finds his happiness this way because his family hasn't been so successful, and so he grew from it and has found that hey, my future really means a lot - I'm going to get passionate about it.

What I need to take from this is I need to find something that can forever entertain me and enthrall me that isn't another human being. Maybe I'm too concerned about my future with finding someone to share it all with when relationships are about dumb luck and timing. Two things that are nearly impossible to control. And anyways, I'm not looking to settle down yet, it's college time for me. There's gotta be someone out there to learn and grow from, to become a part of their life for some time and either stay or realize it's just not going to work out. Well, I guess only time will tell.

Let's be honest here...

Pandora, you cheeky bastard.

Trifonic - Lies

When you walked away it was the
Saddest day the world has known
Shattered my heart and left me in
Pieces of a broken home
Now you say you need me
Standing at the door
Asking if you can come in
And I can't say no, I can't say no

You and I just can't say goodbye
Every time we do, well
It's just another lie
I know you're no good for me, but
Every time I'm with you there's
Nowhere I'd rather be

We've been to hell, been burnt by the
Flames of a pain so deep that
Even the strongest god in the heavens would
Kneel and weep
But here I lie
Pressed against your skin
Right where I want to be
You're the sweetest sin

You and I just can't say goodbye
Every time we do, well
It's just another lie
I know you're no good for me, but
Every time I'm with you there's
Nowhere I'd rather be

Screw it.

Screw it, I'm gonna say it. That was the most wonderful thing to happen to me for as long as I can remember. I wanted to stay up until the sun went down for a second time. That'll happen some day. We do shit like that. That's what makes us special.

Curl up with me and tell me everything

I might have a song to go with each of my posts. Maybe just to give people something to listen to while they read:
Missing You - Moore


Everyone has those days where they just need to let it all out to someone who cares. I need a person who I can let it all out to. All of my emotional supports that I had constructed so firmly from high school have since dissipated, and life here is different. I know they'll never be just the same, but I guess I just have to accept that. Yeah maybe I'll have a few moments that will bring back the memories of the good times, but I'll never have the days where I stare at the stars and just think of the next few days with my best friends. I don't have a best friend here. It's rough. But I guess I was just lucky in high school. I had hella good friends. Best of the best. Shout out to you guys...

I really feel like being cozy. Curling up by a fire, giving my girl a hug, just staring at the flames, being mesmerized by the constant shifting and changing colors and sparks, the harsh, yet homey scent of the burning wood in the otherwise scentless season of winter. I treasure things like this. I live for that. I live for the moments of intimacy and connectedness between me and any human being, but it's the strongest when I can be close to them in so many more ways. I guess I just like seeing raw emotion. It shows trust and love and its what I strive to find. But it's hard when I'm alone. It's hard to get this connection when I feel as though everyone is a foreigner. Its hard when I feel out of touch with my surroundings. Maybe it's hard because it all got torn away from me one day, and since that day I haven't been able to get myself out there, knowing that there's still unfinished talks, still words that have to be said, words of reassurance that we can grasp onto in the darkest days of our lives.

I need to spend some time and figure out my unresolved internal conflicts. Why hasn't Amelia emailed me? I wonder about her sometimes. I really want to know how she is - or better yet, WHO she is, who she has become. If I were in her shoes I know I wouldn't survive... Leaving somewhere safe and happy with people you love, then the next day taking the plane to Utah, never to be seen again by those you left behind... I didn't even know that was the last time I'd see her... I didn't get what a good boyfriend deserved. I never got to look her in the eye and tell her everything I had been feeling, I never got to say how awful and utterly destroyed it left me. But what could we do about it..? We had no choice. Live in constant fear of being torn further apart forcefully by her parents or just rip the fucking bandaid off and never look back at the scars it left behind. Well, there are scars, physical and emotional, and I have yet to see if they ever heal.

Man, I've been to nostalgic this past week. How do I satisfy my want to relive the past? Or my need to grasp on to the past? I feel myself becoming more scared of my future, I feel myself reverting back to the person who I hated, the person that was afraid of the world out there. I want to be adventurous and explore but I don't know how to do it on my own. I need someone to teach me. I don't want to do it alone.

Wanderer Out

Why can't I know?

There are those times where I just wish I knew what people were thinking, how they thought about me, and the reasoning behind everything they do. Wouldn't that be nice...?
??? Out.

On the Subject of Girls...

A big part of life is finding someone to completely trust and to create a powerful emotional connection to. It's hard, though. Because starting a relationship is such a frustrating thing. It involves timing, luck, bullshit and talking. It's a hell of a lot of work. Especially if you're aiming for something that'll last. Part of my issue is I just need someone who is perfect for me and I can't settle for less... I've had the chance to try something new but my gut said no. It's caused some pain to people I care about but when it boils down to it I need to do what's right for me AND whoever I'm involved with. I can't just think about what would be good for them, I've already dealt with that crap for too long.
Right now I'm going to complain real quick. Get ready. It's all impossible, it's crap. I cant look at someone and know their personality in an out, I can only look at someone and make assumptions about their personality through their gait and just the way their face looks. If someone's face looks attractive, to me that means they have an attractive personality. But here's where I bitch: it's fucking hard to go up to someone and just spark up something. I mean, I sat with someone random at breakfast once and now every time I see her its awkward as fuck because the first time I saw her after breakfast I made the decision to not say hi to her... because I didn't see her face before I sat down. I didn't get that chance to get a quick read and I screwed up. Bah. So yeah. I have a negative connotation towards just approaching people. It's risky. I feel like it has to be natural... like the time I met this girl Aly and she was gorgeous and friendly but I didn't learn much except for what she looked like and where she was from. I wish I got her number or walked her back to her room because she was lost but noopee. I just assumed I'd see her again. Stupid stupid stupid. Whatever. Shit happens for a reason, I guess. And lately I've been really focused on that reason. Screw that reason! (I can't go into detail about that reason just now. Some other time).
So yeah, finding a girl and dealing with the string of bullshit that comes along with it due to luggage and timing and other blah blah blah is getting old. I just want to be able to lie down with someone and feel completely comfortable and alone and understood. I miss that... I miss being treated like someone can take care of me for once, someone other than me.
If you want to know something that makes me really happy, it's acting like a mature child... Childish in thought, mature in action. That combination gets me furiously excited and exhilarated.
For example:
I went to walmart with my two friends. We were buying food or whatever, and there was a desk chair just sitting in an aisle just begging to be sat on. So I did. Then I started moving around in it, I so badly wanted to travel around the store in it, but the next best alternative was my buddies passing me in the isle. Childish, yet mature. Because children have it right... maturing too much is so overrated...
Baby Out.

They Communicate

Everything communicates. On a smaller scale, everything talks to each other, and we take part in it ourselves. We're all part of the bigger picture even though we don't realize it, much like Ghandi has said:
“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”
there's so much more than just us out there, that we don't know the repercussions of us stopping what we're doing. We could be the red blood cell to some giant being for all we know. We're a part of something that is so impossible to understand that we can never know for sure what OUR purpose in life is other than to be happy and make others feel happy. Cause really, for us, that's why we exist and continue to exist. We just like feeling happy and good, that's all. And we're all different and have our own way to get to that point. So it's unfortunate that some people stop others from finding their way. But hey, that's just how the randomness worked. It's the luck of the draw.

Do you know the feeling when you think someone is looking at you? There has to be a reason for it. Even when the person is out of your decipherable peripheral vision there is still a sense there. It's crazy how it happens, just something tugs them into eye contact... Keep an eye (HAH!) out for it one day. I just hate when I pull away from eye contact. It's so exciting to hold eye contact. On the subject: have you noticed the power of eye contact? Sometimes eye contact is hard to maintain, as mentioned above, and especially as the only form of communicating, say meeting a strangers eyes as you pass them. But as you talk with someone eye contact becomes a necessary addition to voice as a form of communicating. It just connects two people on such a deeper level if you make eye contact, and those who are afraid of being exposed don't make as much eye contact, hence socially awkward people (I'm not trying to be rude here, either, just an observation). And hell, I do it all the time. I skimp out on eye contact when I'm not fully comfortable with someone. It means I'm not quite ready to accept you into my life yet, but it could be there in time if you work at it.

Senses are the worlds way of communication, and there are more senses than we account for. I'm not saying that there is the classic "sixth sense," I'm saying there are so many other senses out there but they are on too small of a scale to measure or sometimes even acknowledge. I base this off the fact that, for example, humans can communicate with just hormones. We don't count this as the big five senses, because, well... it's not that big. It's much less developed than sound or sight, it is inferior to them in an evolutionary sense, so for humans it isn't a main source of communication. The purpose of communication is to influence an outcome, no matter how small the form of it is. It's all politics... (for those of you who have heard that rant). I'll talk about that some other time...
Otherworld explorer, phasing Out.

Stay Young

My friend had his first kiss the other day. After hearing about it I instantly became ecstatic, elevated, but not nearly as much, as he was, no way could I get there. First times for everything give an immense, immeasurable high that nobody else can experience, it's unique and indescribable to each individual. But getting the feelings of excitement back made me realize, people need to stay young. Not physically, but mentally. Treat everything like it's something completely new, keep acting like a child in the way that everything is exciting and pure and clean... Don't look for corruption or evil, look for the good things in life. This is why knowledge is sad, knowledge creates an understanding of the world where the "truths" come out, but it's almost more like the "evils" come out. What I'm trying to say is - don't forget how to love. Don't forget how to look at something and let it make you happy, let it bring you back to a happy time in your life. If you deep down really like something that only a 4 year old would like, just do it. Who cares what anyone thinks, they're just jealous because you can access those long lost fresh feelings that age has since hindered from ever returning.

Parallels

I've got a phone call set up, where If I don't say the right things I could be locked into a job I don't want.
I've got a text message I haven't replied to where If I type the wrong things I might be in a relationship I don't want.

If I accept this job I'll be destined for a bright future, but at the cost of free time.
If I make a commitment I could have a good relationship, but it'd be so much effort.

And what use is money to me right now? I already have a job.
What use is a relationship right now? I already love my freedom.

My current job is perfect for me, I don't want to change what's already good.
She doesn't have the same morals as me... I want a free spirit to be free with me.

Maybe waiting is the right decision.

I'll wait until the timing is right, when I actually need money.
I'll wait until the timing is right, when I meet that perfect person.

Cause maybe, just maybe I already have all that I need.
Cause maybe, just maybe I already have everyone who I already need.

I just feel like junior year will work better for me, when I actually need to hone my skills.
I just feel like the longer I wait the better, when I actually know who I want.

So until then I need to just let it sit, keep things how they are and wait for the timing to be right.
Until then, I've gotta get myself out there, I need to use my free time to meet more people.

But how do I say no?

Spirit Out