Curl up with me and tell me everything

I might have a song to go with each of my posts. Maybe just to give people something to listen to while they read:
Missing You - Moore


Everyone has those days where they just need to let it all out to someone who cares. I need a person who I can let it all out to. All of my emotional supports that I had constructed so firmly from high school have since dissipated, and life here is different. I know they'll never be just the same, but I guess I just have to accept that. Yeah maybe I'll have a few moments that will bring back the memories of the good times, but I'll never have the days where I stare at the stars and just think of the next few days with my best friends. I don't have a best friend here. It's rough. But I guess I was just lucky in high school. I had hella good friends. Best of the best. Shout out to you guys...

I really feel like being cozy. Curling up by a fire, giving my girl a hug, just staring at the flames, being mesmerized by the constant shifting and changing colors and sparks, the harsh, yet homey scent of the burning wood in the otherwise scentless season of winter. I treasure things like this. I live for that. I live for the moments of intimacy and connectedness between me and any human being, but it's the strongest when I can be close to them in so many more ways. I guess I just like seeing raw emotion. It shows trust and love and its what I strive to find. But it's hard when I'm alone. It's hard to get this connection when I feel as though everyone is a foreigner. Its hard when I feel out of touch with my surroundings. Maybe it's hard because it all got torn away from me one day, and since that day I haven't been able to get myself out there, knowing that there's still unfinished talks, still words that have to be said, words of reassurance that we can grasp onto in the darkest days of our lives.

I need to spend some time and figure out my unresolved internal conflicts. Why hasn't Amelia emailed me? I wonder about her sometimes. I really want to know how she is - or better yet, WHO she is, who she has become. If I were in her shoes I know I wouldn't survive... Leaving somewhere safe and happy with people you love, then the next day taking the plane to Utah, never to be seen again by those you left behind... I didn't even know that was the last time I'd see her... I didn't get what a good boyfriend deserved. I never got to look her in the eye and tell her everything I had been feeling, I never got to say how awful and utterly destroyed it left me. But what could we do about it..? We had no choice. Live in constant fear of being torn further apart forcefully by her parents or just rip the fucking bandaid off and never look back at the scars it left behind. Well, there are scars, physical and emotional, and I have yet to see if they ever heal.

Man, I've been to nostalgic this past week. How do I satisfy my want to relive the past? Or my need to grasp on to the past? I feel myself becoming more scared of my future, I feel myself reverting back to the person who I hated, the person that was afraid of the world out there. I want to be adventurous and explore but I don't know how to do it on my own. I need someone to teach me. I don't want to do it alone.

Wanderer Out