A Bit on Guns

People are being so weird about this whole gun thing. I really don't get it. I see all these people just so upset about guns and gun laws and it makes people hate other people and I'm not entirely sure what my view on gun control is, it'll be clear that I lean to one side, but I do have some things to say about them.

So here's a preface:
Why I like guns: They're cool as shit looking. They're fun to hold, and for some reason, I really like aiming something that can shoot a projectile. It's the closest to telekinesis that I'll ever be able to get. And I also really enjoy shooter video games, the whole outfit and red dot sights and everything - so boss. Also, I own airsoft guns, it's fun pretending I'm actually eliminating threats, it makes me feel badass.
Why I hate guns:
They give someone the ability to remove someone else's right to life.
That's a big deal to me, especially when people use the excuse "It's our RIGHT to own guns. It's in the constitution!" To me, this translates into:
"It's our RIGHT to [have the power to kill another human being]. It says so!"
This scares the hell out of me, it's a RIGHT and not a PRIVILEGE to have the ability to kill? So with that in mind, here's my article.

First off, there is a SHIT TON of psychological warfare when it comes to guns. Think about the implications - if you know someone has a gun on them, naturally you wont piss them off, right? Guns are almost like a human's way of being superior to another human being. Think of any kind of secret service or even police officers, they have power because THEY HAVE GUNS. That's the first layer of keeping people under control and safe. What stops you from robbing a bank? POWER. What stops you from running up to a store owner and smacking him upside the head? He's got a damn gun behind the counter. And a camera. So basically a gun is part of the tool to have more power over other beings, because with the threat of getting killed from doing something wrong, it then stops you from doing that wrong thing!

Second, why do we NEED guns? Why should EVERYONE own a gun? Or why should everyone have the right to own a gun? I hate the old bullshit "It's in the constitution!!!" well the constitution is fucking old and we're now smarter and more developed than the people that founded our country. Ever think of that? Ever think of how much more developed we are in comparison to people who lived 200+ years ago? Back then they didn't have as much of a safe environment, since there was war going on in the country, lots more wild animals around, and in general no governing force. That's why it was in the constitution - people had an actual use for guns as self defense, and even to get food. So just... keep that in mind when defending your right to guns. Times are different now, I can't think of one time in my entire lifetime that I would have NEEDED a gun. I guess it's kind of like insurance, but I'd only need a gun if someone else had a gun. But if neither of us had guns... then neither of us would need guns. It's almost like economics, the whole prisoner's dilemma.  I'll try and make a little shitty box below to show what I mean:

			Person A
			Has a gun		Doesn't have a gun
	Person B	Has a gun	Person A: Has a gun and needs it.		Person A: Doesn't have a gun and NEEDS it.
			Person B: Has a gun and needs it.		Person B: Has a gun and DOESN'T need it.
		Doesn't have a gun	Person A: Has a gun and DOESN'T need it.		Person A: Doesn't have a gun and doesn't need it.
			Person B: Doesn't have a gun and NEEDS it.		Person B: Doesn't have a gun and doesn't need it.

So that took so much longer than expected, but basically this gets the point across that I was going for. Obviously, having a gun in any given situation is more advantageous than not having a gun, and we all know that we can't trust people. So we all assume we need to get a gun, and that is a very safe assumption, because of this oversimplification of having a gun or not having a gun:

			Person A
			Has a gun		Doesn't have a gun
	Person B	Has a gun	Person A: Live		Person A: Die
			Person B: Live		Person B: Live
		Doesn't have a gun	Person A: Live		Person A: Live
			Person B: Die		Person B: Live

So that's why Japan is so successful, they just have the bare minimum number of guns in the country and this number is so few such that they can keep track of EACH AND EVERY WEAPON. Imagine that, imagine if we could actually keep track of every single weapon on the planet, so we know when one goes missing or if it was just abused or whatever.

Third, my biggest thing isn't guns, it's guns that have a potential to do COLLATERAL DAMAGE. For example, if someone has a semiautomatic pistol and goes on a rampage shooting, they can cause a lot of casualties before an officer takes them down. HOWEVER, if the same person just had a hunting rifle (that's single shot, not semi) and went in public, they would cause little to no damage. If they have to reload after each shot, they could get disabled after shooting once if people were willing to actually defend themselves. What DOESN'T HELP:
Putting MORE people with MORE dangerous guns in public to try and stop the people about to go on a shooting rampage. It makes no logical sense. Since guns are a double edged sword... why make more double edged swords?

What I would like to see:
I want to see a balance between being able to own weapons and when you are able to use them. Maybe just keep them with the police and then log that you were taking your gun out whenever you go to use it. Guns aren't used that often for fun anyways, or for leaving the house. And what we could do is get guns installed with tracking devices and then set up in our homes sensors that make sure the gun doesn't leave the house. I just want to know where there are guns and where I'm in danger of a gun becoming an issue. I'm cool with people owning them, but I feel like it should be more widely known who owns a gun and who doesn't, just because the pure nature of a weapon is the ability to kill at a moment's notice.

Anyways, thanks for reading this little rant. If someone can give me a really solid argument for letting everyone own guns, please post it or message me on facebook or google plus or something. I'd love to hear a good argument favoring the other side more than I am. Peace out everyone.
                                                                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                                                 

Best Weekend Ever

Back to New - 3lau Reboot
I'm way overdue with this post, but better late than never...
So it started off with me realizing that I had no classes Friday, so I thought I might just start early. Thursday night came along, and I just decided to hang out, do whatever, stay up too late to function well - I guess a normal college night for some. From what I remember, Thursday wasn't the most exciting night, but it was still enjoyable. Then Friday night comes along, and I had promised two of my buddies on my floor I'd go out with them that night. We didn't really have a plan, so I wasn't really expecting too much out of the night, but I went with it. And really, It's just funny how things work out with timing and whatnot. So we were walking down frat row, checking out if anything was going on. It was pretty quiet because it was the weekend before finals. So we're walking down the street, and I notice a frat building that I recognized from earlier that day - vroom quick flashback:
Earlier in the day I went on facebook and saw an old buddy of mine who used to play some good old DotA with me (for those who don't know what DotA is, either look up the song by Basshunter, OR think of a game similar to LoL. If you do the latter, immediately afterwards kill yourself because LoL is so bad in comparison to Wc3 DotA and you're missing out). So I actually found out he's in a frat on campus, and took a mental note of what the house looked like.
shheeoowww back to present.
I see the house, and I yell "Hey do you guys know *Insert the most generic name for a male here*?" and they say, "Do you actually know *generic name*?" And I yell back "Yeah I do!" and they yell back "What's your name?" and I yell back "It's Nate Landslot! Me and *generic name* went to high school together!" then they say "Yo he's right here." And then *generic name* steps off the damn porch and comes down and says hi, and invites me up. Of course at this point my friends were far ahead trying to find something going on. So we stay for a minute, and I try to learn some names of the frat dudes. I think one was Matt, Cam, and I KNOW one was Darkness. These guys were just chillin, so me and my friends just moved on. So this is where timing gets crazy - we were starting to walk back to our dorms when we were outside a different frat, and then some extremely sober chick opens the back door of said frat and starts talking on the phone. My buddy ran over and snagged the door before it shut, and boom, just like that, in those few passing seconds, we snuck into a frat. Word. Good shit, amirite?
So it gets weirder, but here's the setup.
I went in there, first timer to frats and all, thought it was pretty neat. Pretty much its a really sober dance party with very appropriate clothing for say, middle school dances. I mean, that's what frats are known for, right? No getting within a solo cups distance to another person when dancing - I vividly remember that rule. So what was weird though was the lights turned on. But whatever, I guess it helped, because some brown haired chick who looked vaguely familiar came up to me and asked for my number. She was saying she recognized me from track and field, and once she told me she was from Portsmouth I instantly thought - shit, I definitely met you the first week of school. I mean, we could have met at track and field, but we definitely met the first week of school then never saw each other ever again. Sadly though, even with a picture of us on her phone, my number in her contacts, and a friend request pending on facebook, I haven't heard from her since. Whatever though, maybe after next semester she'll realize she's missing out on a cool friend. Her loss. So that's basically when my night ended. Except for when I almost fell asleep on the ground when I got back to the dorm. Ask me about that in person if you want to know about it.

Now Saturday was pretty cool too.
Except for the ugly chick.
So instead of saying ugly chick, from the rest of this post down, wherever you see babe, just know that it really means ugly chick.
My buddies knew of a gathering going on that was meant for people who work at one of our dining halls. Somehow they knew the DJ or something weird, and they got an invite and extended one to me. That's a bro ass move right there. So we headed over, we were one of the first few people there, and we just hung out, got some games of ping pong in, and as we were talking while the music was blaring, some babe just tossed herself at one of my buddies. Of course, he was here with another girl, so his natural move is to be SUCH a bro, and push this babe right on to me. So this babe rubs my chest and says "Wana dance? *stumble*" and before I really could respond this girl was so close to me that no solo cup ever could fit in between us. I mean, she's a babe, so it's cool right? Meh, I felt like I got molested, but since I'm a dude that just means that a girl kissed you and you aren't too much of a bitch to deal with it. Because at one point this babe was trying to steal my love sausage, which I was saving for LATER! That's when I realized she was too 'beautiful' for me. I had to get out of this contract, so at one point I said to this babe something along the lines of "You're a little too 'beautiful' right now, aren't you?" and she says "Yeah but it's fine, you're a nice guy!"** And I says right back, "Yeah, I can't do this." And I walked away. To the bathroom. To pee.

** We didn't even say hello, how could she know a thing about who I am? I didn't even have time to say something funny... ***
*** Maybe she meant "It's fine, you're a 'nice guy' right now!" and I just didn't catch the drift... Oops!****
**** Naw, she was literally just fucking hammered.

Then after that we were looking for a different place to go, we wanted a frat. What ended up happening was my friends all got in a frat, and I went on the phone with my friend, you know, being the 'nice guy' that I am, I thought it would be nice to talk to my friend and keep her up to date with the night's happenings. I told her all about the 'nice guy' things that happened this weekend, and how 'beautiful' all the people were. Actually, I think I said a lot of 'beautiful' things to her, but in the end I remember the conversation being better than dancing more at a frat with tons of 'nice guys' and 'beautiful' girls.

In the end, what I really got from that was two tight friends. That's what really matters, making memories with people you don't know well to make them less like strangers and more like family. That's wutsup.

Early Bed Time

Teardrop - Massive Attack
As I lie in my bed trying to get the urge to fall asleep, I just keep thinking about what would make me really happy right this second. Right in this moment. And right now, that thing is a cure. I want to be free from this cage that I've been trapped in, I want to feel my confidence bustling and my energy rushing again. After being sick for 3+ months, it's really hard to remember what it's like going up stairs without getting slightly winded. It's hard to remember how I used to act when I did have energy. It's hard to even remember if I ever actually had energy in the first place...
I don't mean to seem down again. I just want to put things in perspective for myself - my first semester of college I've been ridden with health issues which has stopped me from socializing to the extent that I'd like to. I mean, in the long run it's not too big of a deal, I'll have more time to do it. But it's just rough with all the excitement from the summer leading up for college then getting here and starting off with pinkeye, which led directly to my lyme/hypoglycemia/whateverthefuckthisbullshitis issue. Basically right when I got here my confidence took a big ass whopping (Nobody wants to get pinkeye from someone they don't know). The main things that have been on my mind have been the downers in my life, so of course I'd take that luggage into most of the conversations I entered.
So, I just want an answer. I just want to find out why my body hasn't been functioning at it's top level. It affects my mood. It affects what I do and what I don't do. For fucks sake it cost me being on the Frisbee team. I'd tell everybody about how chill the guys were and how excited I was for the spring break trip to Georgia. So now, I have to find new plans for spring break AND a new activity to do. Fun fun. Maybe this will teach me a lesson, don't plan too far ahead in the future, you never know where it might take you, and just go with whatever happens.
So as bad as it feels now, I do know that I'm going to be a better person from this... Somehow. Every significant thing in my life has taught me something. For example:
Alex: This guy really started to mold me into a more thoughtful philosophical person. We'd go driving around and just talk about life and things and have fun. Splitting a little Caesars pizza with him was always so fun. Somehow it'd spark good conversation. I remember, though, he'd drive me home from theatre practice all the time, and a few times we'd talk about the energies of people, and how certain energies communicate. This still sticks with me today, and fits in with my whole binary theory, and the energies he described are only on one plane of existence.
Kenz: Brings out the best in me, always finds a way to bring out who I feel I really am. When we dated, whether she knew it or not, she actually brought out a new side of me that made me realize I'm a like able person. Before her I never thought anyone would want to date me, but our vibes changed that. Also, this chick makes me laugh more than anyone, I have no idea how she does it. Maybe it's how our energies communicate, or just that we became friends in a really unique way and we're comfortable around each other. Either one can explain it.
Mel: Showed me the power of being in love. Against all odds hold true to what YOU believe in, make sure you know where you want to go in life and what you love. She also taught me how to fight authority in a way, to be strong right in the face of danger. Girl, you are the strongest human being I know, I honestly don't know how you survived everything we went through. I miss your personality, by the way...
Ryan: Best friend a guy could ask for. Always there for me, any time, always ready to talk about my girl issues, or the good things about girls. And also, he's been friends with both of the girls I've dated, which just creates a really comfortable environment for everyone. By the way, whoever marries this man will be the luckiest damn female in the world. Hessie is a gentleman down to his soul, and always (Unbeknownst to him) drives me to become a better person.
Bryan: My brother. I care about him a lot. I feel like I influence him to become a better person, I almost feel like at times I'm the only person that can get through his hard outer shell into his softer, more relaxed, creative side. Once I get through, I can see he is exactly like me. He thinks like me, analyzes situations like me, gets anxiety attacks like me. He's also smart as hell, honestly he's smarter than me, he just needs to learn how to use it in order for him to reach his full potential. That's where I come in. I really enjoy talking to him, especially about deeper things, deep talks about the future and where he'll be and what he'll be doing. I really want him to do computer science, he was made to do it. He's got so much potential.
Mom: She's always been there for me, the highs and lows. Always in control, always knowledgeable. Whenever I need help I can just talk to her and she knows what to do. She helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. Where I couldn't stand she took my place and helped me out, teaching me the way. She's also just the right amount hands off since she TRUSTS me. As a parent, trust is the strongest thing you can give, second only to love. Thank you...
There's more people to write about. I just can't do it right now. Thanks for reading this post, mystery people.

Last Week on a Friday...

Last week I went to the doctor for a checkup on my current ailment (fatigue, sleep issues, etc.) and for the most part I was pretty frustrated. I was under the assumption that I was going to get blood taken, and then a few days later find out what was wrong. Well, that day was actually pushed to yesterday but that's besides the point. I went there getting nothing from the appointment, but something so wonderful happened. Something I didn't expect from the day, nor did I expect this to really influence any of my life, but here's the story:
I signed in for my appointment with Dr. S. for now let's call him Dr. Numan because he's kinda like Numan from Seinfeld. Slightly awkward, big guy, glasses, curly brown hair, and his full last name rhymes with Numan. So why doesn't he switch his last name already? Beats me. So as I was waiting to see Dr. Numan, since Dr. Pumpkin (His name rhymes with pumpkin. We call him Dr. F the Pumpkin anyways.) was taking a sick day, we had to switch doctors and tell him all about it all over again.
So, back to the waiting room - I get sidetracked too often. I walk over to a seat that has a smaller chair in front of it, supposedly meant for children. "F**k that," I (might have) thought, "my legs are going on that." So I moved it over to kick back and take it easy. Then there was this cute little girl, no older than four years old who started shyly walking towards me and my father, who sat beside me (No I didn't share my footrest). She was around two and a half feet tall, with blue - green eyes, blond hair and big cheeks. She was shyly inching towards the chair - or me. I couldn't really tell. I assumed the chair, so I offered her the seat (what else could I assume a wandering child could want?). She then ran back to her parents. I shrugged it off but didn't put my feet back up yet. She then came back with a sticker on her pointer finger, slightly curled because it clearly was once stuck on some article of clothing. She then started looking at me and tried her best to show me the sticker by pointing her finger to the ceiling and twisting her arm awkwardly to show me the picture. I caught a glance and it was some kind of super hero, so I asked her about it. But just then her family was about to leave, so I said goodbye. My Dad then commented "She likes you, Nate. I bet she's going to wave as she leaves." And sure enough, she did. She started off trailing behind just to wave back. Then she caught up a little and waved a second time. The third time she waved she was nearing the corner and she clung to her mothers arm and waved one last time.

This whole ordeal struck me as the cutest thing that has EVER happened to me. For some reason kids just feel safe and comfortable around me, or they just like to look at me. I remember I was working at Panera one day and I walked down the isle with all the booths and there were three babies in three different booths. They ALL turned their heads to look at me. And these babies were the ones that don't have very strong necks, so they looked like they just threw their head to the side and they couldn't pick it back up. It was funny and also really interesting/strange at the same time.

Also, this made me want to have a little baby girl of my own. One day I'll be a father, and I'll be the best damn father ever.

Done.

http://www.snotm.com/

Sorry, but politics

So I constantly see people hating the views that aren't theirs, and it makes me frustrated. It makes me frustrated most likely because I DO THE SAME DAMN THING. I'm just less public about it and I throw less insulting names around, but I definitely STRONGLY disagree with views that aren't mine. Even more so when I can CLEARLY see that little to no research was done. So instead of talking about my political beliefs, I'm going to talk about how I believe the United States can best get everyone's REAL opinion voiced rather than through just the choice between candidate A and candidate B. And the senators. And the house. Anyways.

I'm a big fan of the whole unPAC thing. PACs are fucking disgusting. It doesn't make sense - extremely wealthy businesses and individuals are spending their money on sellouts just to get the politicians to pass legislation that will allow these rich, corrupt people to continue to take advantage of the people who work for shitty pay and shitty benefits. Why couldn't this money instead be spent on the company to provide jobs? Or why couldn't this money have gone to something more productive like research or school? If these wealthy people have enough cash to shell out on politicians, isn't that a sign that they have too much money? They're BUYING a human being. This money makes us THINK we agree with the idols of the American elections, but really these people were once normal, then found out that to make it, they can't have all the views they want to have.

What I would also like to see is a government run website that has all the candidates and their views on it, so that someone can go online and get informed about a candidate within seconds. All facts, no lies, almost like a facebook for politicians to update their bio and their views. Also on this website, you could see who was running against who and for what positions. This could make the political field more balanced for entry. Since politics is almost like economics, (instead of money it's power, and instead of making more money it's influencing society) it should really be more even for new people to enter the business of politics. Right now politics is running a lot like an oligopoly (a few big firms controlling a market or industry) and that's not cool with me at all.

The next thing, which can easily be solved by doing what I suggested in the previous two paragraphs, is remove the two party system. This concept goes back to the oligopoly, it's impossible for new ideas (or products, in terms of economics) to reach it to the top. Gay marriage and medical marijuana have both had to get a massive following before coming close to being legal. If we could instead have a better official electing system, maybe even just voting priorities (In my mind vote priority 1 for independent, if he can't win with the number of votes for him switch it to the secondary vote. Basically in my mind it allows your vote to count for what you REALLY want, where you wont take away a vote from a candidate that is also acceptable) so that independents can actually get elected.

Lets change the world, eh? Let's work as a team instead of playing a big old complicated game of follow the leader. We have the minds and the technology to make this world a truly beautiful place, why haven't we done it yet?

I blew my own mind

Yesterday I was talking with a friend and I was primed to be thinking about society and money and politics. I don't remember exactly how we got to this point, but I started thinking about how disproportionate the distribution of money is in the world and I also once saw this picture (and privately posted it to my wall because I had been posting way too many political posts in recent times):

"This is crazy, imagine everyone having the free time to think and publish work that they're passionate about, and give people the ability to constantly invent new technologies at a rate that could increase the quality of life of everybody tenfold? We could have an age of technological breakthrough, shooting us to the future... Just some food for thought."

And started thinking - the world can only thrive on a market economy for so long. The rich won't keep making jobs because everything is going for growth and efficiency, big companies are doing things so well that they'll only maximize profits as best they can - which is exactly the business model. Also, more people are entering the work force now looking for jobs because of the increasing cost of living. It doesn't work out in the long run - there will be too few jobs because we don't NEED so many jobs to exist. One day this will call for a massive social reform, a reform that will take our government into a socialistic government, since private interest will no longer be able to sustain an upper and lower class - we can one day all become equals, working for maybe 5 - 10 years of our life and then be done. This is because of just how efficient we can be. In fact, we might not have to work a minute of our life in the future - if we can create robots or machines to do ALL our farming and ALL of our manufacturing, we only need people who have ideas of new inventions to start creating something new. If these robots can replace a work force everyone will be equal and the only goal for people is to do what makes them happy. Also, without the class barriers, everyone can find their own passions and decide what to do with their time.

I've been... Ill lately

There's been a severe lack of consistency on this blog and I apologize for it. I've been exhausted and fatigued lately, and I have been trying to get to the bottom of it. As with being tired, I find it usually rough to be creative and actually get the initiative to write about something. But, I'm at work right now so I've got nearly two full hours of free time to get some things down on paper.

First off - I had a great day yesterday. Man, it was amazing. Reminiscing can bring back memories, and whether or not they were good in the first place, they always come back positively. If they're bad, you can grow from it. If they're good, you can relive the experience all over again. So that was a thing.

Second - I barely wanted to go to sleep after such a good day. I just wanted to prolong my good mood, and I mean it could have carried over had I not woken up at 5:40 today, then started to google all these shitty symptoms I've been having lately.

Third - It's time to change my perspective on things. I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive and stay in the moment enjoying things. Sometimes good things don't last forever so I have to cherish every moment of something amazing. Then, once it's gone, I can relive the memory from time to time.

I don't know what I'm saying. I cant focus enough to get a complete thought out.

Basically to sum it up:
Things are good and things are bad right now. And that bad thing will hopefully be gone soon. And then things will be good. But then probably other bad things will take it's place.
Good = 1, Bad = 0

Very relevant and much needed - Symbolism

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ERbvKrH-GC4

It's crazy how I feel like I've learned so much about myself in the past few days. I feel a lot more secure, and safe and happy. Maybe this is just my transitional phase of getting used to college. I guess I just needed some sort of catalyst to get my brain working the way it's supposed to work here. I need to remember to not look to the end of the bus ride, but to the time spent on the bus. If you don't really get what I'm saying, it has to do with a field trip I went on today, hence this tweet:

Nathan Landolt ‏@thenate113

I'm the kid who likes field trips for the bus ride. #itsthejourney

And what's interesting is I thought of this before I found the video. I mean, it's just a cool connection to make in life where something is strangely, symbolically significant to you. It's really cool looking for symbolism. Whether it be in a song you just heard and relating it to yourself (see a few posts back) or just analyzing a situation and realizing it has a bigger, more significant meaning in life. Another example is this picture that I took:

How I analyzed this:

The child on the right is the curious one, exploring the white balloon and putting herself out there, willing to take the risk just to experience the world and see more. The child on the left is hiding from what is out there, she refuses to leave her safe zone because she's afraid. She's afraid of what COULD hurt her, but the child on the right has decided that the risk is worth the reward. Obviously we should all strive to be like the child on the right, else we would get nowhere in life.

Let me leave you with this: Find the deeper meaning in life however you choose to do so. Whether it be faith or religion or science or philosophy - it's your choice. Just don't let anyone else influence you - you're on your own.

The future is hazy

The future is a strange concept to me. The way I think of the future is how I think I will end up in x amount of years. This of course is just a guess, a figment of my imagination and at times it can bind me down. At times this imagination can get me down, make me sad and change my mood. But at other times this image is full of excitement and hope and makes me adore life and find beauty in everything. For these times I have my camera, so I can get out there and show others that hey, it's beautiful in this world, and things are only as good or as bad as you make them out to be. And might I suggest sharing your love for your passions to everyone, because who knows who you can inspire. I know I've been inspired today.

----------

The reason I talk about this is I've been thinking about the future the wrong way lately. There's a guy in my computer science class who is just so excited for the future, excited to get his hands on technology and actually do something productive in his life, that's his goal. That's where he finds happiness, and the best part about his happiness is he can control it, to a fairly high degree. He can control how successful he will be in the future. Maybe he finds his happiness this way because his family hasn't been so successful, and so he grew from it and has found that hey, my future really means a lot - I'm going to get passionate about it.

What I need to take from this is I need to find something that can forever entertain me and enthrall me that isn't another human being. Maybe I'm too concerned about my future with finding someone to share it all with when relationships are about dumb luck and timing. Two things that are nearly impossible to control. And anyways, I'm not looking to settle down yet, it's college time for me. There's gotta be someone out there to learn and grow from, to become a part of their life for some time and either stay or realize it's just not going to work out. Well, I guess only time will tell.

Let's be honest here...

Pandora, you cheeky bastard.

Trifonic - Lies

When you walked away it was the
Saddest day the world has known
Shattered my heart and left me in
Pieces of a broken home
Now you say you need me
Standing at the door
Asking if you can come in
And I can't say no, I can't say no

You and I just can't say goodbye
Every time we do, well
It's just another lie
I know you're no good for me, but
Every time I'm with you there's
Nowhere I'd rather be

We've been to hell, been burnt by the
Flames of a pain so deep that
Even the strongest god in the heavens would
Kneel and weep
But here I lie
Pressed against your skin
Right where I want to be
You're the sweetest sin

You and I just can't say goodbye
Every time we do, well
It's just another lie
I know you're no good for me, but
Every time I'm with you there's
Nowhere I'd rather be

Screw it.

Screw it, I'm gonna say it. That was the most wonderful thing to happen to me for as long as I can remember. I wanted to stay up until the sun went down for a second time. That'll happen some day. We do shit like that. That's what makes us special.

Curl up with me and tell me everything

I might have a song to go with each of my posts. Maybe just to give people something to listen to while they read:
Missing You - Moore


Everyone has those days where they just need to let it all out to someone who cares. I need a person who I can let it all out to. All of my emotional supports that I had constructed so firmly from high school have since dissipated, and life here is different. I know they'll never be just the same, but I guess I just have to accept that. Yeah maybe I'll have a few moments that will bring back the memories of the good times, but I'll never have the days where I stare at the stars and just think of the next few days with my best friends. I don't have a best friend here. It's rough. But I guess I was just lucky in high school. I had hella good friends. Best of the best. Shout out to you guys...

I really feel like being cozy. Curling up by a fire, giving my girl a hug, just staring at the flames, being mesmerized by the constant shifting and changing colors and sparks, the harsh, yet homey scent of the burning wood in the otherwise scentless season of winter. I treasure things like this. I live for that. I live for the moments of intimacy and connectedness between me and any human being, but it's the strongest when I can be close to them in so many more ways. I guess I just like seeing raw emotion. It shows trust and love and its what I strive to find. But it's hard when I'm alone. It's hard to get this connection when I feel as though everyone is a foreigner. Its hard when I feel out of touch with my surroundings. Maybe it's hard because it all got torn away from me one day, and since that day I haven't been able to get myself out there, knowing that there's still unfinished talks, still words that have to be said, words of reassurance that we can grasp onto in the darkest days of our lives.

I need to spend some time and figure out my unresolved internal conflicts. Why hasn't Amelia emailed me? I wonder about her sometimes. I really want to know how she is - or better yet, WHO she is, who she has become. If I were in her shoes I know I wouldn't survive... Leaving somewhere safe and happy with people you love, then the next day taking the plane to Utah, never to be seen again by those you left behind... I didn't even know that was the last time I'd see her... I didn't get what a good boyfriend deserved. I never got to look her in the eye and tell her everything I had been feeling, I never got to say how awful and utterly destroyed it left me. But what could we do about it..? We had no choice. Live in constant fear of being torn further apart forcefully by her parents or just rip the fucking bandaid off and never look back at the scars it left behind. Well, there are scars, physical and emotional, and I have yet to see if they ever heal.

Man, I've been to nostalgic this past week. How do I satisfy my want to relive the past? Or my need to grasp on to the past? I feel myself becoming more scared of my future, I feel myself reverting back to the person who I hated, the person that was afraid of the world out there. I want to be adventurous and explore but I don't know how to do it on my own. I need someone to teach me. I don't want to do it alone.

Wanderer Out

Why can't I know?

There are those times where I just wish I knew what people were thinking, how they thought about me, and the reasoning behind everything they do. Wouldn't that be nice...?
??? Out.

On the Subject of Girls...

A big part of life is finding someone to completely trust and to create a powerful emotional connection to. It's hard, though. Because starting a relationship is such a frustrating thing. It involves timing, luck, bullshit and talking. It's a hell of a lot of work. Especially if you're aiming for something that'll last. Part of my issue is I just need someone who is perfect for me and I can't settle for less... I've had the chance to try something new but my gut said no. It's caused some pain to people I care about but when it boils down to it I need to do what's right for me AND whoever I'm involved with. I can't just think about what would be good for them, I've already dealt with that crap for too long.
Right now I'm going to complain real quick. Get ready. It's all impossible, it's crap. I cant look at someone and know their personality in an out, I can only look at someone and make assumptions about their personality through their gait and just the way their face looks. If someone's face looks attractive, to me that means they have an attractive personality. But here's where I bitch: it's fucking hard to go up to someone and just spark up something. I mean, I sat with someone random at breakfast once and now every time I see her its awkward as fuck because the first time I saw her after breakfast I made the decision to not say hi to her... because I didn't see her face before I sat down. I didn't get that chance to get a quick read and I screwed up. Bah. So yeah. I have a negative connotation towards just approaching people. It's risky. I feel like it has to be natural... like the time I met this girl Aly and she was gorgeous and friendly but I didn't learn much except for what she looked like and where she was from. I wish I got her number or walked her back to her room because she was lost but noopee. I just assumed I'd see her again. Stupid stupid stupid. Whatever. Shit happens for a reason, I guess. And lately I've been really focused on that reason. Screw that reason! (I can't go into detail about that reason just now. Some other time).
So yeah, finding a girl and dealing with the string of bullshit that comes along with it due to luggage and timing and other blah blah blah is getting old. I just want to be able to lie down with someone and feel completely comfortable and alone and understood. I miss that... I miss being treated like someone can take care of me for once, someone other than me.
If you want to know something that makes me really happy, it's acting like a mature child... Childish in thought, mature in action. That combination gets me furiously excited and exhilarated.
For example:
I went to walmart with my two friends. We were buying food or whatever, and there was a desk chair just sitting in an aisle just begging to be sat on. So I did. Then I started moving around in it, I so badly wanted to travel around the store in it, but the next best alternative was my buddies passing me in the isle. Childish, yet mature. Because children have it right... maturing too much is so overrated...
Baby Out.

They Communicate

Everything communicates. On a smaller scale, everything talks to each other, and we take part in it ourselves. We're all part of the bigger picture even though we don't realize it, much like Ghandi has said:
“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”
there's so much more than just us out there, that we don't know the repercussions of us stopping what we're doing. We could be the red blood cell to some giant being for all we know. We're a part of something that is so impossible to understand that we can never know for sure what OUR purpose in life is other than to be happy and make others feel happy. Cause really, for us, that's why we exist and continue to exist. We just like feeling happy and good, that's all. And we're all different and have our own way to get to that point. So it's unfortunate that some people stop others from finding their way. But hey, that's just how the randomness worked. It's the luck of the draw.

Do you know the feeling when you think someone is looking at you? There has to be a reason for it. Even when the person is out of your decipherable peripheral vision there is still a sense there. It's crazy how it happens, just something tugs them into eye contact... Keep an eye (HAH!) out for it one day. I just hate when I pull away from eye contact. It's so exciting to hold eye contact. On the subject: have you noticed the power of eye contact? Sometimes eye contact is hard to maintain, as mentioned above, and especially as the only form of communicating, say meeting a strangers eyes as you pass them. But as you talk with someone eye contact becomes a necessary addition to voice as a form of communicating. It just connects two people on such a deeper level if you make eye contact, and those who are afraid of being exposed don't make as much eye contact, hence socially awkward people (I'm not trying to be rude here, either, just an observation). And hell, I do it all the time. I skimp out on eye contact when I'm not fully comfortable with someone. It means I'm not quite ready to accept you into my life yet, but it could be there in time if you work at it.

Senses are the worlds way of communication, and there are more senses than we account for. I'm not saying that there is the classic "sixth sense," I'm saying there are so many other senses out there but they are on too small of a scale to measure or sometimes even acknowledge. I base this off the fact that, for example, humans can communicate with just hormones. We don't count this as the big five senses, because, well... it's not that big. It's much less developed than sound or sight, it is inferior to them in an evolutionary sense, so for humans it isn't a main source of communication. The purpose of communication is to influence an outcome, no matter how small the form of it is. It's all politics... (for those of you who have heard that rant). I'll talk about that some other time...
Otherworld explorer, phasing Out.

Stay Young

My friend had his first kiss the other day. After hearing about it I instantly became ecstatic, elevated, but not nearly as much, as he was, no way could I get there. First times for everything give an immense, immeasurable high that nobody else can experience, it's unique and indescribable to each individual. But getting the feelings of excitement back made me realize, people need to stay young. Not physically, but mentally. Treat everything like it's something completely new, keep acting like a child in the way that everything is exciting and pure and clean... Don't look for corruption or evil, look for the good things in life. This is why knowledge is sad, knowledge creates an understanding of the world where the "truths" come out, but it's almost more like the "evils" come out. What I'm trying to say is - don't forget how to love. Don't forget how to look at something and let it make you happy, let it bring you back to a happy time in your life. If you deep down really like something that only a 4 year old would like, just do it. Who cares what anyone thinks, they're just jealous because you can access those long lost fresh feelings that age has since hindered from ever returning.

Parallels

I've got a phone call set up, where If I don't say the right things I could be locked into a job I don't want.
I've got a text message I haven't replied to where If I type the wrong things I might be in a relationship I don't want.

If I accept this job I'll be destined for a bright future, but at the cost of free time.
If I make a commitment I could have a good relationship, but it'd be so much effort.

And what use is money to me right now? I already have a job.
What use is a relationship right now? I already love my freedom.

My current job is perfect for me, I don't want to change what's already good.
She doesn't have the same morals as me... I want a free spirit to be free with me.

Maybe waiting is the right decision.

I'll wait until the timing is right, when I actually need money.
I'll wait until the timing is right, when I meet that perfect person.

Cause maybe, just maybe I already have all that I need.
Cause maybe, just maybe I already have everyone who I already need.

I just feel like junior year will work better for me, when I actually need to hone my skills.
I just feel like the longer I wait the better, when I actually know who I want.

So until then I need to just let it sit, keep things how they are and wait for the timing to be right.
Until then, I've gotta get myself out there, I need to use my free time to meet more people.

But how do I say no?

Spirit Out

The first "1"

I'm a computer scientist at heart. My life and my experiences make me a computer scientist, every event up to this point in my life has made me perfect for it. I love the challenges it presents to me, and the entire concept is so natural to me because I see life as a computer scientist sees a program. Everything is interconnected and complexity comes from so many individual decisions adding up together to make something amazing and powerful. That's why successful and happy society is very much geared towards the individual, and individual freedoms. Every single human counts, just as every single binary digit counts. Sadly, though, I don't think we can ever find the smallest unit in the world because everything that exists is made up of it, and we don't have the power to access the tiny building block that exists. We're too high up on the scale to have access to the smallest piece. That would be like trying to use your arm to reach to the center of the earth from atop a mountain. We can only go so deep, and we can't reach that basic building block. Which leads me to the pursuit of knowledge. People get so frustrated when they can't know everything that exists. It's impossible for the human brain to know everything, there are too many concepts in too many people's lives that you just cant comprehend. Knowledge is finite, but being is infinite. Knowledge is the realization and understanding of being. And "being" isn't always a matter of being seen, it's a matter of existing, like an emotion, or an impulse, are both "beings" but are never really "known." This is why DNA fascinates me, DNA is the coding that creates life. DNA was created by chance, and it became so good at it's job that it took the cake on the evolutionary scale. There are still beings out there that don't have DNA, and they are much less advanced and develop much slower than DNA. This is because DNA closely follows the most basic rule of existence, and that is complexity and yes or no physically CREATES everything. Everything can be broken down into multiple "yes" or "no" questions or decisions. Each decision is so small but so significant stacked on top of each other. Just... take some time and think about how beautiful complexity can be when it comes together in a comprehensible fashion. Life is amazing, enjoy it for what it is. More on this later. Philosopher out.