A big part of life is finding someone to completely trust and to create a powerful emotional connection to. It's hard, though. Because starting a relationship is such a frustrating thing. It involves timing, luck, bullshit and talking. It's a hell of a lot of work. Especially if you're aiming for something that'll last. Part of my issue is I just need someone who is perfect for me and I can't settle for less... I've had the chance to try something new but my gut said no. It's caused some pain to people I care about but when it boils down to it I need to do what's right for me AND whoever I'm involved with. I can't just think about what would be good for them, I've already dealt with that crap for too long.
Right now I'm going to complain real quick. Get ready. It's all impossible, it's crap. I cant look at someone and know their personality in an out, I can only look at someone and make assumptions about their personality through their gait and just the way their face looks. If someone's face looks attractive, to me that means they have an attractive personality. But here's where I bitch: it's fucking hard to go up to someone and just spark up something. I mean, I sat with someone random at breakfast once and now every time I see her its awkward as fuck because the first time I saw her after breakfast I made the decision to not say hi to her... because I didn't see her face before I sat down. I didn't get that chance to get a quick read and I screwed up. Bah. So yeah. I have a negative connotation towards just approaching people. It's risky. I feel like it has to be natural... like the time I met this girl Aly and she was gorgeous and friendly but I didn't learn much except for what she looked like and where she was from. I wish I got her number or walked her back to her room because she was lost but noopee. I just assumed I'd see her again. Stupid stupid stupid. Whatever. Shit happens for a reason, I guess. And lately I've been really focused on that reason. Screw that reason! (I can't go into detail about that reason just now. Some other time).
So yeah, finding a girl and dealing with the string of bullshit that comes along with it due to luggage and timing and other blah blah blah is getting old. I just want to be able to lie down with someone and feel completely comfortable and alone and understood. I miss that... I miss being treated like someone can take care of me for once, someone other than me.
If you want to know something that makes me really happy, it's acting like a mature child... Childish in thought, mature in action. That combination gets me furiously excited and exhilarated.
For example:
I went to walmart with my two friends. We were buying food or whatever, and there was a desk chair just sitting in an aisle just begging to be sat on. So I did. Then I started moving around in it, I so badly wanted to travel around the store in it, but the next best alternative was my buddies passing me in the isle. Childish, yet mature. Because children have it right... maturing too much is so overrated...
Baby Out.
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